I met my bride in Hollywood... she came to be a star

She never brought me home with her... claimed it to be too far

We married up in Vegas where the J. P.'s wife stood-in

A stranger bore us witness... she did not invite her kin

I heard this in a movie once... it rung of truth you see

"When you 'assume' you make an 'ass' right out of 'u' and 'me'"

I must confess I dropped the ball... I didn't check them out

Her family's not the Brady Bunch... there ain't a shred of doubt

My in-laws are all outlaws... this confirms my worst suspicion

I was wishing for The Waltons but got Gomez and Morticia

As if that wer'n't bizarre enough... her siblings are quite dire

Strange brother and weird sister... much like Fester and Elvira

Her dad's a bill collector wreaking havoc o'er the phone

Once shaken down you'd swear you'd found the clone of Al Capone

He's lacking in compassion and he never feels remorse

Been certified a psycho and would beat a dying horse

Her mother is a welfare queen and hypochondriac

In spite of this Mom navigates a sleek new Cadillac

A wizard at accounting... she cooks up their books with zest

So at year's end they never send one cent to I.R.S.

My in-laws are all outlaws... this confirms my worst suspicion

I was wishing for The Waltons but got Gomez and Morticia

As if that wer'n't bizarre enough... her siblings are quite dire

Her brother's up the river where he's doing ten to life

This astronaut got married before he divorced his wife

Stuck up a mini-market with a plastic water gun

Then tried to plead insanity 'cause he forgot to run

Her sister's stowed away from home beneath the swaying palms

Of Paradise for Runaway-Delinquent-Pregnant-Moms

Seems she and her freak boyfriend were flat busted by the narc

For talking lewd and walking nude and raving in the park

My in-laws are all outlaws... this confirms my worst suspicion

I was wishing for The Waltons but got Gomez and Morticia

As if that wer'n't bizarre enough... her siblings are quite dire